The Problem With Cheeseheads

Painting of a Cheesehead
Just no dignity. No dignity at all.

What To Do About Our Cheesehead Infestation?

What’s the problem with Cheeseheads?

Um, what’s not the problem with them?

They come here, steal our jobs, root for the wrong football team and, to add insult to injury, adopt our baseball team. They escape their crappy little economy to benefit from our good jobs and this is how they repay us?

What the hell kind of psychology is that?

You don’t want to fit in but you want to fit in?!?

The problem is not so much that they remain fans of the Packers decades after they’ve moved to Minnesota, it’s that they’re so belligerent about it.

So, I think we ought to hire contractors to build fences at our borders (and it will have to be along the Iowa border, too, because you know the Cheeseheads will try to get through on that side, as well) and then lobby for federal money to staff border patrols. I’m sure there’s a lot we can learn from Arizona’s efforts.

We can let the Iowans in at border crossings because they’re all either Vikings or Bears fans, and who cares about that?

This will not only have a salutary effect on our economy in both the construction and patrol jobs it will create as well as freeing up the jobs the Cheeseheads stole for Minnesotans, but life will be much more enjoyable without the annoyance of in-your-face Packers fans.

We will also be prepared for when the hordes of climate-change denying southerners migrate north for Minnesota as our weather turns more hospitably tropical and theirs turns unbearable.

I’m joking, of course. I don’t actually think we should keep Cheeseheads from our lands. I’m not that cruel.

I just think they should have green cards.